I like him. And I know I shouldn’t. And I know I should feel awful about it. But truth is I don’t. Friday, 17th May, 2013. The night of our final passionate embrace before leaving the Isle. The night I almost gave everything up to a “player” (in both the literal and metaphoric sense of the word). Rewind. In the early hours of the night, I had arrived at a club....
Blessings from on High
“I am so blessed My soul is at rest Oh Lord, I give you thanks” As I sat in the pews with the rest of the congregation, I felt a oneness with something that I knew was not of this world. The weeks passed have been a fluctuation of emotions for me as pressure has always made me subside into the dark depths of depression and anxiety. However, upon receipt of an informative call from my...
One moment. Two hours. Three Questions. Earnestly, I attempt to study. The spell rushes through my train of thought whilst I utter the meaningless concepts of past consideration and sufficiency and economic value. Only 8 more days till this sentence of mandatory study is lifted. Somehow while others are reassuring themselves that they’ll be home free once the 8 days are over, I am looking...
Sweet Dreams, Day-Dreamer
When I close my eyes At the intervals between my blinks I can see your face. I imagine you sweep in, in the blue of the unanticipated Your lips My skin Your hands trace the exterior of my being I beg internally for reward You look deep into the black of my eyes Passion fuels the night The stirs of… the imaginative dreamer.
Playing The Game
After suffering from the battalion of failed romance, I sought refuge in consultations with my underlings. Was this soldier the reason for the wars lost? It was thence explained to me, in motion picture, that the soldier was never the problem. She was dressed in sufficient attire; accentuated with physical attributes suited for capturing the enemy; endowed with the workings of wit and whim. They...
I’m so confused. I tell you the news. That my application to return on halls was unsuccessful. That I was rejected. Impliedly, That this month could quite possibly be the last time we’d see each other again. And I mean really SEE each other. Those shared moments of intimacy that we once had every night; Non-existent. Those unplanned crossing of parallels; gone. Those...
Bald and Bared
How do you make a joke like that? Even if it is in jest? She’s sick. Her hairstyle is not a choice. Being bald was certainly never on her agenda. She did not wake up one day and think “I really want to try being bald today”. Cutting it all off was not a voluntary decision. It was one of necessity. For years, I have heard her go on about growing her hair in an afro....
As I was then
As I am now, Here, I am a shell of a person I smile, With tears in my eyes I laugh, Afraid that someone will see the light I am not happy, But I long to be Even if it is just that moment we meet in the night. Let me tell you the tale of three romances that was in similar coexistence for the period of a year: 1. The guy who saw the depression beneath my external expression. He would...
I am an emotional creature. I have those flecked moments of instability and imbalance ranging from a period of reflection to that of complete over-analysis and irrationality. This is not one of those moments. My rationale has been induced by months of observance and slow-burn judgment since I have been accused many a time for acting too quickly. Even so, I cast aside my suspicions and left...
I held his hand He held mine And it fit like a glove intertwinédly.
Passionate Nothing but Everything
Last night again was filled with passion and ecstasy. As we watched “The King of Scotland” He held me close when I screamed out in agony And when I laughed at his inability to cross his legs, he tickled me until I promised not to do it again but of course I would do it a few minutes later And when he ran his fingers through my hair, I could feel the butterflies flutter around in...
As I entered the Mount Restaurant I already felt like I was a fish out of water, like I didn’t belong you know. The dress I was wearing, once my trump card, i.e. when it was on a hanger, was now something that made me feel utterly self-conscious. As if it weren’t insult to injury as is, I had to scan the room for what felt like minutes before I found good company and a saved seat. ...
As he ran his fingers through her hair, she reacted. She was about to explode from the electricity running through his veins, surging through her with the gentle brush of fingertips against her neck. She closed her eyes, indulging in the sensational rush of it all. The breathing quickened which, over the years, she had learned to steady the pace but her cheeks already told the entire story. They...
Striking the Balance
She determined the time spent with her friends. She allotted time spent out and the time spent in…her books. She accounted for the times she spent with the guy she thought could possibly be the change from her exhausted horror-love stories to ones with a bit of romance etched in. She was unsure of the process. Truth was she did not want to disappoint. Not her friends. Not the...
He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me in close. As we watched the movie, I could feel my cheeks burning with the hot sensation of red. Everywhere he touched and was touching was scorching hot. I nestled into him, taking it all in. His cologned smell, His perfectly fit body etched with muscles. I loved everything about that moment and wished time could be at a standstill. Just there and...
http://www.lenus.ie/hse/bitstream/10147/111896/1/IPMarch2010.pdf I’ve been suffering from sleep paralysis a little over 3 years now. Only upon looking up the symptoms 2 days ago did I actually determine a self-diagnosis. Recently, however, it has been getting quite extreme. A few weeks ago I dreamt that an unknown force was holding onto me, making me levitate about my 2 by 4 dormroom. The usual...
Change; not so much
Due to the recent resurfacing of “Notes” that Facebook believed was necessary to torture the souls of the once adolescent, now matured beings, I realized that a lot has changed in the span of 2-3 years. The changes in mentality behind aging is so subtle that oft times we don’t even see the differences in perspective, in our mind-set, in our ideas, views, visions. However, today I was given the...
Anonymous asked: How do you really feel about sickness and cancer
Last night, I invited the old into my room. I had my ulterior motives of course for what I had imagined or even attempted to procure was an atmosphere where he would put the moves on me and I would allow his advances. When he arrived on block, he settled in the common area to which I awkwardly suggested that we could study in my room. Bad idea. When we both stepped into the small of my room....
Even though I refused to gave any more love, “the old” pulls me right back into this love sick phase like the tide of the Chrystal sea waters on a Sunday afternoon. In the obscurity of Bajan sea, it was him and I. When we first confessed that we’d never actually swam, not even once, in Barbados; we had made the promise that when one of us decided to go, we would tell the other and go together....
The old and I spent an entirety together or at least what felt like it. We had known each other’s stories completely. He could tell my tale from the back of his palm and I…I knew that he could rescue me from the tortures of hopelessness because being with him indicated something. Something I knew once upon a time but had lost. The inhalation of love, the Beauty, the mysterious passion of that...
The new and the old
And just like that, I fell out of love with the new and back into love with the old. The new came like an oasis in the middle of desert lands. So unexpected that even I was at a loss of words when realization struck me. At first, the new would sit next to me, a very friendly gesture but I never took it on seeing as my heart tends to leap light years ahead of my brain and at that time, my...
Everything she touched turned to gold But Has anyone once thought that maybe she didn’t care for the gold Maybe what she was longing for was something that was not priced or valued in the mortal realm. Maybe she preferred the intangible. The priceless. The physical objects of luxury began to lose all meaning.
Maybe her life was falling apart before her eyes. Maybe she needed just one thing that would be secure. That was a surety.
Everything I worked for led up to this very moment. Would I succeed? Would I fail miserably? It all depended on that one moment. The now. Walking onto the stage for the first time, on my own, minus the other contestants, was something I mentally prepared myself for since the night I first introduced myself to the audience. Yet, not even this mental preparation could satisfy my festering...
A Prayer for Confidence
Dear Lord, I know that it seems like every time I come to you, it’s always because I need something. More guidance, the powers of recall and memory, More understanding, faith, knowledge, time. This time, however, I promise to give a little of myself through dedication, through unrelenting practice time. I promise that I will try my best and in turn, I need the power of confidence;...
Lesson número deux.
Through the informal means of education, what we call “campus life”, I’m beginning to learn more and more of the complex human species’ mentality. For one, I’ve learned that one mistake will be an eternity of whispers and back-stabs. Two. Adversity brings to light your true friends. Three. Limelight brings fake ones. Four. And the most obvious, but hardly...
This weekend I have made my mind up to see the university counsellor and hopefully, have some free sessions with her to ultimately unravel what exactly is going on in my mangled mind. The suggestion came across when speaking with one of my friends who helped me “that night” and slowly I’ve come to terms that I just may need some professional help and guidance for attaining that...
Last night I got wasted.
Last night I got wasted. It’s not the good kind that authors write about in their novels. The kind where the characters and actors feel ‘infinite’ and at peace with everything in the world, so much so, that even the impossible and the daring could be attained in their mind. No, it wasn’t like that. It wasn’t like that at all. Not even remotely. The night, for me, ended at, what I am...
Open book: Unedited
Go over the assortment of options mentally. Choose unwittingly and be subjected to unjustified remorse. Choose correctly and be able to move onto part B of the unnerving, unrelenting, never ending decision making process. This is just how my world works. A trip inside the workings of my brain, may to some, be quite the field trip of complexities yet to be definitively understood, but to others,...
Thus far, I have kicked off the year with, in my opinion, the best possible start. Given the circumstances, which I have come to terms with, but still manage to get those sudden fits of anger, rage, melancholy, depression; 2013, I feel, has begun with my best foot forward. All this to say that my field trip to the US of A has not been a complete loss. Au contraire, it has been quite the...
Sometimes I don’t think it’s possible for people to know me and really understand me because sometimes, even for the little things, I don’t even know myself.
Lock and Key
2012 brought many tragic ends. To relationships. To friendships. Mostly, to ideals. It instilled in me, a greater sense of self. Who I am in this world. My importance. My worth. 2012 was the year I believed I was finally going to get it right. To love unconditionally and to be loved even harder. To be devout to work. To accomplish my dreams. 2012 was the year of disappointment. 2012...
I just hate people
Why does he insist on talking to me? If I can’t have you and you don’t want me then please tell me what this little conversation will accomplish? I’ll tell you the answer to that: absolutely nothing! Nada! Zilch! Nil! So what the fuck, you play me like I’m some sort of stalker that you can’t seem to get rid of and then talk to me like nothing ever happened. Right now, I just hate people.
Years passed and she returned to the desolate island she had once called “home” but now she knew better. She knew the saying “home is where the heart is” and her little heart was still beating amidst a land of cold. She remembered the people she had left behind in her island home and for that, and quite possibly, only that was not as forlorn about this return to the simple island life Antigua...
University in 3...2...1 GO!
Finally everything is fitting into place and university is literally just around the corner. I have been stressing over acceptance from one of the most prestigious universities in the Caribbean for months and now that I actually received it I am starting to feel the bubbling sensation in the pits of my stomach that is my nerves. I have never been away from my mother for more than a month and...
I finally arrived on campus after several gruelling hours of basically getting everything together. The flight I was supposed to arrive on fucked up big time with their “operational problems”. Yeah, sure LIAT. Anyways, because of LIAT’s incompetent personnel, I was forced to suffer waiting patiently, and this is a term I use loosely, in the departure lounge for over 8 hours. Yes, I suffered...
Today, realization hit me. I was a fool to think that I could just make a list of rules and follow it to the T. I mean that’s not how life works. I’m going to be sad and I’m going to miss my old life and I’m going to cry and I’m going to want my mom and I’m going to want those warm hugs from family and friends and I’m going to sit in my bed, late at night, and wonder what exactly I’m doing here....
These days I feel awfully sad. Everything around me is crashing down. The lush lifestyle I once led has been turned topsy-turvy by simply furthering my education and the people I have come to love have been replaced with complete strangers in a foreign island. Thankfully, I haven’t gone insane yet partly because my mother’s here, partly because I won’t allow myself too but when the time comes for...
It's like everyone around me is versed on this...
Lately, I’ve been feeling more depressed than normal. I’ve been praying for some guidance and acuity of mind these passed couple of days but I fear that I am too deep in this funk to really get out. You see yesterday, I probably did the most stupid thing I could do of life; I brought my phone to the beach but wait it gets worse, I brought my phone on some rocks that were in the water. And, of...
Happy birthday to me Happy birthday to me Happy birthday, Happy birthdayyy Happy birthday to me. As you may have guessed from my little interlude, it’s my birthday today. Yes, a day of celebrating my 19 years on Mother Earth and giving thanks to the Lord God who blessed me with one more year of life. And for that, I do feel blessed…and simultaneously never have I ever felt more alone in my...
Never a dull moment
University life just got much more real! Over the course of approximately 4 days, I’ve become more in sync with my fellow colleagues. Now, I am not totally clueless and I am beginning to realize that everyone on campus doesn’t exactly have their entire act together. They too are making it up as they go along. Due to this sudden epiphany, which I do have a lot of (epiphanies that is), my...
I have an ordeal. Okay, maybe I have several ordeals. Let’s start from the top. During our daily grubbing session last week, I noticed this hottie on the grub line, let’s call him hottie #1 for future reference. He was kind of stubborn and didn’t really care too much for the whole initiation ritual so he would get called out a lot by the “super seniors”, our ‘superiors’. For that very reason, I...
All the possibilities
I’ve fully settled into this alternative lifestyle, we call campus-life and it’s been an uphill struggle. Trust me. I was so used to my spoiled, carefree life at home that my entire mentality had to be shaken up before I got into the speed of things. But now, everything is just grand. I’ve made new friends, joined a bunch of programs and thus far I can say my days have been very eventful: When...
I have no clue
I don’t know what I’m doing. No, I’m not talking about school work, as I probably should be and as is expected. I’m talking about romance. As you can clearly see from my archive of romantic disaster, I’m not the most experienced individual in the field of relationship. This is really starting to trouble me because I have no idea what to do. Am I supposed to see him as often as possible? or...
Just a kiss
That’s all it takes. Just one sweet sensual slow sloothing kiss And I’ve already begun to fall and melt and sink deeper and deeper into your love. I only need one kiss from your tender lips sending electrodes from the hollow of my heart to the tips of my tongue. I want more. I need more. This longing. I need to be caressed firmly but still with the gentle touch I need you to...