I finally arrived on campus after several gruelling hours of basically getting everything together. The flight I was supposed to arrive on fucked up big time with their “operational problems”. Yeah, sure LIAT. Anyways, because of LIAT’s incompetent personnel, I was forced to suffer waiting patiently, and this is a term I use loosely, in the departure lounge for over 8 hours. Yes, I suffered immensely! Thanks to the delayed flight when I finally arrived on isle it was too late to even think about taking the shuttle to UWI, much less get a room assigned to me. So, I ended up staying at a friend’s house for the night, who, by the way, had an amazing mansion by the waterfront. I actually spent the beginning of my stay there just looking at the view which was just like nothing I’ve ever seen, heavenly.
Afterwards, we, me and my mother who is staying for a week, came up to campus to get me settled in and get everything in order, that is; student orientation, registration, accomodaions, bank accounts, grocery shopping, unpacking. So, that was mainly what was done yesterday. When I finally got everything done, I was so drained. I can’t even explain how I felt. I must have looked horrid-exhausted but I still followed my first rule and smiled and greeted everyone in sight.
When it reached time for my mom to leave, I was pretty alright. Not much emotional damage if you know what I mean. But as it drew nearer to bedtime, I began to feel the impact. This was what I had to do from now on. I had to share a communal bathroom, kitchen and live in a two-by-four bedroom complete with a small futon-bed, sink, study desk and closet. But ahh, that’s university life for ya. As a famous childhood character once said - TTFN, Tata For Now.
Today, realization hit me. I was a fool to think that I could just make a list of rules and follow it to the T. I mean that’s not how life works. I’m going to be sad and I’m going to miss my old life and I’m going to cry and I’m going to want my mom and I’m going to want those warm hugs from family and friends and I’m going to sit in my bed, late at night, and wonder what exactly I’m doing here. It’s going to be a struggle. As a friend once said “There’s no such thing as smooth sailing” so I’m going to row and struggle through those stormy, rough waters and even when I happen to fall out of my ship, I’ll hold onto the lifesaver for my dear life until I reach shore and when I do, and see everything I accomplished. It will all be worth it.
So, I’ll stick through with today’s lesson: Nothing will come easy but that doesn’t mean I’ll give up when I hit the tidal waves, and make it through this. Through the tears and sweat and blood and gore. I WILL SURVIVE.
These days I feel awfully sad. Everything around me is crashing down. The lush lifestyle I once led has been turned topsy-turvy by simply furthering my education and the people I have come to love have been replaced with complete strangers in a foreign island. Thankfully, I haven’t gone insane yet partly because my mother’s here, partly because I won’t allow myself too but when the time comes for my mother to leave, I know the effects of homesickness and missing her will come rushing in like the river Nile, driving me temporarily insane or so emotion-ridden that I can’t even function.
It feels like I’ve hit the poor house in more than one way. Like, for the actual definition of “poor” one would say it deals with the amount of money one has amassed in their life but for alternate definitions coined by others, being poor is described in terms of how much love and family one has surrounding them. I know that the second definition doesn’t apply here since I have moral support coming from my entire family and love to back it all up with, it still feels like all that is gone.
The physical being was who made me feel warm with their hugs; who made me feel secure in a house of three; who told me what to do and helped me do it along the way. And I was used to being loved that way. Now, I have to depend on a love miles away, I can’t see their faces inches away from mine, I can’t hold them, I can’t kiss them on the cheek. Now it has be a connection via the computer screen or the phone. It wouldn’t be the same and it wouldn’t give me that satisfaction I used to feel once upon a time.
And I don’t know how to end this on a pleasant note and I don’t know how to motivate myself from this depression and I won’t try because reality of the situation is I’ll always miss the love that you can access at anytime and was right there in front of you. To those who convince themselves that they can feel love miles away, I’m not refuting that, I’m just saying it’s not the same whether it be unconditional love, eros love or just plain brotherly love.
I want a hug every night.
I want my tuck-in ritual.
I want a kiss on my cheek.
I want a pat on my back for encouragement.
The sweet whisper that everything’s going to be alright.
I want to know right away that everything is fine with you.
I want to help with the dishes.
I want to eat with the family.
I want to play with my brother.
I want to be home.
Where I know I belong.
It’s like everyone around me is versed on this unwritten script of university-dom and I’m just here, on the cast, doing some impromptu ad-lib sessions.
Lately, I’ve been feeling more depressed than normal. I’ve been praying for some guidance and acuity of mind these passed couple of days but I fear that I am too deep in this funk to really get out. You see yesterday, I probably did the most stupid thing I could do of life; I brought my phone to the beach but wait it gets worse, I brought my phone on some rocks that were in the water. And, of course, since I have the best of luck, a huge wave out of nowhere came and carried it in. I quickly grabbed it out but when I tested my luck with a bowl of rice, it failed me, as usual. My battery - fine, my sim card - fine, my phone - gone.
I’m upset with myself right now and I’m really depressed. I actually had begun to think that I cold do this whole university life thing on my own but this, something like this, for it to happen, already screams mess. I’ve made a mess. A big one. And it’s not one I can simply clean up. It’s going to take money and time. A day on my own and already, this big calamity.
I’m upset because I know others must think I’m a basket case. I’m upset because I think I’m a basket case. I am upset because I took it on the rocks. I am upset because I have to waste money buying another phone after I had just gotten everything settled on my old one. As I’m typing this I’m getting more and more frustrated but I have to get it out. I mean how could I let this happen??
I immediately called mommy afterwards and she sounded calm and understanding over the phone. She said “what’s done is done”. But I know she’s angry. I know she’s thinking how could she be so careless, so reckless. I know.
I’m so sorry.
I love you the most yet I always end up hurting you the most.
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday, Happy birthdayyy
Happy birthday to me.
As you may have guessed from my little interlude, it’s my birthday today. Yes, a day of celebrating my 19 years on Mother Earth and giving thanks to the Lord God who blessed me with one more year of life. And for that, I do feel blessed…and simultaneously never have I ever felt more alone in my life.
I just miss the rituals. Like when I was home, my day would start with a pleasant “Happy Birthday” melody from my little family ad hoc choir. Daddy on the phone, singing along as well. Then, I’d be presented with a multitude of gifts from family and friends, as I sit unwrapping them in my bed, mommy would walk in with a tray of pancakes and tea, filling the room with the sweet aroma of sticky maple syrup. A true joy to the senses. I would read the cards aloud as everyone sit up on my bed, smiling with glee, and would get almost close to tears because of the ecstasy of that very moment, the emotions scrawled across the cards, the words directly from the heart and could be felt from miles away. Mom’s cards always made me feel so warm inside. The effect would almost result in a river of tears…of happiness. But now I’m without that, and tears are bitter rather than sweet. I cry for I am sad.
I’m sorry, if this is too depressing for you, truth is I am depressed. I can’t cook, I can’t clean, I can’t budget, I don’t know what I’m doing half the time. I feel so out of place the other half. And the sad part is that I’m trying. I’m trying hard to fit in. I’m trying hard to not be a burden on others. I’m trying hard to do things for myself. I’m trying to spend my money wisely. I’m trying hard to not cry. I’m trying hard to always smile and laugh and go out and play and be pleasant.
But it is so difficult. Especially when everyone just seems to be so flawless like they’ve done it all before.
University life just got much more real! Over the course of approximately 4 days, I’ve become more in sync with my fellow colleagues. Now, I am not totally clueless and I am beginning to realize that everyone on campus doesn’t exactly have their entire act together. They too are making it up as they go along. Due to this sudden epiphany, which I do have a lot of (epiphanies that is), my disposition has changed from depressed to almost ecstatic. Obviously, the situation in which I’m in now is nothing in comparison to my life at home where I’m free to do whatever and have absolutely no responsibilities but at the same time it’s kind of nice experiencing being on my own and a little independence.
Also, this week, actually the entire time I’ve been here, I’ve always had a time.
*music plays* There’s never a dull
Never a dull
Never a dull moment in Barbados (8)
The first week was just pure grubbing. It was our initiation onto hall and the amounts of imbecilic things they had us do was just endless. Nevertheless, it was really fun; from getting yelled at to do obscene tasks to being woken up at 4 in the morning to the melodic sound of pots and pans.
The past few week were just booming with activity from going on an island tour to clubbing; and of course dancing on every single body as per usual. From cocktails to high end restaurants. From cricket to fish fries. From beaches to block limes.
It’s just been really bustling,
in a good way.
I have an ordeal. Okay, maybe I have several ordeals.
Let’s start from the top.
During our daily grubbing session last week, I noticed this hottie on the grub line, let’s call him hottie #1 for future reference. He was kind of stubborn and didn’t really care too much for the whole initiation ritual so he would get called out a lot by the “super seniors”, our ‘superiors’. For that very reason, I began to take a liking to him but it was never like I-like-him-so-I’m-going-to-actually-do-something-to-win-his-heart kind of like, it was just like an admiration slash puppy love kind of like. So, I wasn’t going to make any advances in terms of talking to him or even getting to know him.
However, fate works in mysterious ways, and I decided, out of the blue, to go to block 10’s block lime. I was immediately called on to play team dominoes. And as the lords of luck were on my side, I was placed on a team with a hottie, hottie #2. We played for a while, and at the start our team was pretty darn amazing if I do say so myself, we were getting winning streaks of 3 and more, but as the game came to a close, the other team picked back up and ran us from our title. Hottie #2 got tired of losing and turned his position over to hottie #1.
So, while we were playing, as it were before, we were getting winning streaks of 3 and 4 and as we were winning he’d shout in glee “I love my partner”. It was…fun, I could not contain myself. After we received a whooping from the other team as the game died down and the block lime was put to an end. Hottie #1 and I walked to our rooms, mine was closer than his, so we ended up talking until we reached my block. I ended up getting to know more about him, his name, his nationality, his faculty, the usual stuff and then we bid adieu.
A few days later, I decided to do my laundry and to my surprise, guess who walks in to do his laundry as well? None other than hottie #2. So while we were doing our laundry we got in a little conversation and I learned a little about him as well. I also told him about the cricket game that was going to be the same night.
I went to the game with my dormmates and after a few minutes of absolute boredom and being criticized because apparently cricket is the best game of life in Barbados, I walked around. I spot Hottie #2 sitting lonesomely on the field so I join him. We ended up talking for hours, actually, until the cricket game ended. But while I was there, hottie #1 was sitting right behind of us and the crew he was hanging with was kind of like implying it was a date, which it wasn’t. They left earlier than we did. Anyways, we walked down to my block together and we departed.
And here’s where the story ends, yesterday, I went to a party kind of impromptu and unplanned because I had just gone out before then but anyways, we had to take a shuttle to get there. Guess who’s on the bus? Hottie #1! and I sit right next to him. We ended up talking for the entire bus ride and when we get off we end up going our separate ways. We’re both in the party just in different places. While I’m getting down on the dancefloor, I notice he’s standing right next to me like he’s waiting for me to dance up on him but I was dancing up with other guys. So eventually, someone else started to dance up with him right when I was about to.
When we were leaving the party, I sat with my friends and Hottie #1 sat next to the same girl he danced up with (she pulled him to sit there). He looked gone and we just rode back. I was talking this insignificant guy for the rest of the ride home and when we finally came off the bus. I walked back with Hottie #1. We didn’t talk. It was just silence. I broke the silence when we departed to say goodbye. And we smiled. And then we went on a separate paths.
I don’t even want to get into anything but OH THIS HEART OF MINE.
I’ve fully settled into this alternative lifestyle, we call campus-life and it’s been an uphill struggle. Trust me. I was so used to my spoiled, carefree life at home that my entire mentality had to be shaken up before I got into the speed of things. But now, everything is just grand. I’ve made new friends, joined a bunch of programs and thus far I can say my days have been very eventful:
When I’m not studying, I’m going over by a friend’s block, when I’m not partying, I’m going to some event the university/law society/nation’s club is hosting, when I’m not going to church and youth meetings, I’m attending First Year’s experience, when I’m not going to the beach with friends, I’m going to town with ‘em, when I’m not cleaning up, I’m talking to someone new.
It really is something different every single day. And I’m not saying there’s never a dull moment, because there is, many hours of boring especially when one has to do *shudders* foundation courses, but what I am saying is that there are so many possibilities in university for your campus life to be fun and educational at the same time.
I’ve learned a lot about myself through this entire process and it’s never-ending.
I don’t know what I’m doing.
No, I’m not talking about school work, as I probably should be and as is expected. I’m talking about romance.
As you can clearly see from my archive of romantic disaster, I’m not the most experienced individual in the field of relationship. This is really starting to trouble me because I have no idea what to do.
Am I supposed to see him as often as possible?
or do I give him room?
How much room is enough?
Do I ask about intentions?
or do I just continue until he brings it up?
These questions are what are always on mind in regards to him.
It’s really hard to decipher exactly what he wants. Don’t get me wrong, if I asked, I’m quite sure he’d tell me but to do that, my pride would have to take a huge blow rendering it slightly unconscious for a few days. It’s really embarrassing, a 19 year old girl not being able to know exactly what constitutes a relationship and what is considered “normal” or “natural” romantic behaviour or gestures.
The confusion and perplexity of it all is just leading to frustration.